Friday, October 19, 2007

Halloween Harvest Haikus!

The movie marathon continues! All this horror is making me loopy. Its been suggested I change the reviews into something more coherent for the reader, like Super Mario Bros enemies (the tougher the better). Also, how about some horror haikus!
30 Days of Night (2007)
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Nosferatu-style vampires, Alaskans
Watched: Sunday, Oct. 21st, 2007

Sunlight hurts undead
Alaska is really cold
Board up the windows

Surprise contender for the top ten! This movie really came out of nowhere, I had no expectation for it being at all good, but it was awesome. Zombie-style siege of a town mixed with creepifyin' rooftop crawlin' Nosferatu vampires (not human look-alikes like in most movies). Solid acting all around, and the movie really does a good job of making it look really cold in Alaska. Excellent helicopter-view of the town-wide melee at the initial attack. Great build-up and good ending. Spooktacular!

30 Days of Night final score: ---Hammer-throwing Bowser---


Hellraiser (1987)
Starring: Pinhead (Doug Bradley), fat cenobyte, chompy cenobyte, open-neck cenobyte, and 80s girl with shoulder pads
Watched: Saturday, Oct. 20th, 2007

Creepy uncle Frank
Big demon rat on a string
Watch out for the hooks

Its just an old-timey romantic story: Woman moves into creepy old house, woman falls in love with skinless blood-resurrected misogynist, woman steals husband's skin and then tries to sacrifice stepdaughter. They would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling Cenobytes!

Hellraiser final score: ---Winged Red Koopa Troopa---


The Omen (2006)
Starring: Liev Schreiber, Julia Styles, the son of the Devil
Watched: Friday, Oct. 19th, 2007

Little kids scare me
Final Destination deaths
Don't hire the nanny

Da Vinci Code meets a good editor. Replace long-hair Tom Hanks with CSI guy and a more plausible scenario, complete with disfigured albino priests. Good ending.

The Omen final score: --- Double Hammer Bros. ---


Candyman (1992)
Starring: Tony Todd, Gillian Anderson Virginia Madsen
Watched: Friday, Oct. 19th, 2007

Ghetto murderer
Gratuitous nipple shots
101 Noyes Lab

Plucky grad student investigates Candyman for her graduate thesis at Noyes Lab at UIUC. Tony Todd does all sorts of weird stuff, mostly involving bees attacking people and jumping through mirrors. More of a thriller than a horror flick. The last scene in the movie is the best part of the film. Overall pretty good mainstream flick.

Candyman final score: --- Lakitu, Spikey Dikey ---


Phantasm (1979)
Starring: Angus Scrimm, Bill Thornbury, and Micheal Baldwin
Watched: Wednesday, Oct. 17th, 2007

Terrible acting
Silver ball has no purpose
Midgets eat the girls

How does a David Carradine look-alike who can transform into a mildy-attractive woman and leads a group of jawa cultists and a flying metal ball sound? Pretty good, right? Wrong. This move should be called "Bore-tasm." Avoid.

Phantasm final score: ---Triple Goombas---


Hellraiser II: Hellbound (1988)
Starring: Everybody from the first movie
Watched: Tuesday, Oct. 16th, 2007

Don't open the box
The cenobytes aren't that bad
Hell looks like detroit

In this not-as-good-as-the-original continuation of the Hellraiser series, come see a flashback recap of the entire first Hellraiser movie as well as the first plot completely repeated, with the exact same actors, in Hellraiser II:Hellbound; except this time Pinhead dies...or does he?! CENOBYTE SHOWDOWN!!

Hellraiser II final score: ---Green Koopa Troopa---


Pumpkinhead (1989)
Starring: Lance Hendrickson, ugly kid from Jerry Macguire and a giant anamatronic puppet
Watched: Sunday, Oct. 14th, 2007

Witch is in da houze
Teens die in fabulous ways
Flamethrower should work

Come see an undernourished Lance Hendrickson on his knees yelling at the sky about the injustices inherent in the system for an hour and a half. Once the demon gets going though, it gets pretty good. Fast forward to the witch's cabin if you give this one a go.

Pumpkinhead final score: ---Bullet Bill, Piranha plant---


Cemetery Man (1994)
Starring: Snotty British Dude
Watched: Saturday, Oct 13th, 2007

Zombies at the door
This ain't no Dead Alive flick
Worst movie ever

Cigarette-smoking frenchy cemetery caretaker is forced to regularly shoot people with bad make-up in a sad attempt at cashing in on the Dead Alive fans. Pure shlock (and not good shlock, very bad shlock).

Cemetary man final score: ---Goomba---


If you want to see the list of all the movies we're going to watch before Halloween, see the previous post (below).