Sunday, August 12, 2007

Wars or Trek? What your Star choice says about you as a human being.

You're in for a treat today folks. I am going to do a little mixing of blog genres today. In today's post I am going to take a big, delicious scoop of Scantabulous, mix in a teaspoon of the Brandodojo, add a dash of the Adventurepan, and present to you:


Hopefully we can not only educate you today on the Scanventurepandojo, but can also convince you of our point of view being the most superior with a fair presentation. We're going to present both sides of the question: "What does your choice of intergalactic space opera say about your political leanings?"

Star Trek:

For those of you who don't know, Star Trek is Gene Roddenberry's vision of the far future in which humans have not only colonized space and met thousands of other intelligent alien species (all at nearly the exact same technological level), but it is also a future in which every person in the militaristic "Federation" has a specific job and lives in a cornucopian society of brotherly love and constantly press their beliefs' onto other species (who are usually 99% human-looking with perhaps green skin or forehead bumps). Right off the bat this gives us the hint that fans of Star Trek are communists, and who would love to live in a militaristic nanny state where smoking is considered a federal crime punishable by death.

The show likes to pretend it revolves around something called "The Prime Directive." If you do a google search for "Trek Prime Directive," you'll get a million hits of green-on-black websites featuring crappy MIDI music and pasting the directive at the top as if it were the Word of the Lord (Lord Q, that is):

"As the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, no Star Fleet personnel may interfere with the healthy development of alien life and culture...blah, blah, blah"

Basically it just says: Thou shalt not mess with other species' civilizations. Spock constantly repeats the warning about the Prime Directive in every episode, as if Kirk cared. Here's the basic script outline of a Star Trek Episode:

KIRK, SPOCK, BONES, and HENSEN REDSHIRT beam (teleport) down to a previously uncharted planet full of [roll a d6: 1> Green people, 2> Blue people, 3> Humans with forehead bumps, 4-6> Regular humans] dressed in priestly robes.

"We must...find out if these people...know of the dangers my ham-fisted acting will have on...their blue women!"

"We cannot break the Prime Directive captain."

HENSEN REDSHIRT is killed by a [roll a d6: 1> Energy Phaser, 2> Nazi Energy Phaser, 3> Religious Nazi Energy Phaser, 4-6> Fanatically Religious Nazi Energy Phaser].

"Dammit! He's dead, Jim."

"I just need to contact...the ship. They can...send assistance."

"We cannot break the Prime Directive Captain."

(to Nazi Alien citizens) "You don't need to be enslaved any longer! Fight for your freedom, the freedom to join the Federation!"

FIGHT SCENE commences with Kirk knocking out the leader Nazi with a two-handed super-punch.


As you can see by that outline, in every episode they break the Prime Directive, without fail. What does this tell us about fans of the show? That they are self-delusional nimrods who live in a fantasy world of rules they never actually expect to follow.

Need more proof of their clear unsuitability as members of a realistic society? Let's talk about Holodecks. On the Holodeck, all your dreams can come true. Its a magical wonderland of 3-D interactive holograms that are indistinguishable from the real thing. So indistinguishable, in fact, that at the end of approximately 20% of the wierder (and usually cooler) episodes, they reveal that it was all a Holodeck exercise! Or a Holodeck malfunction! With the exception of Moriarty, the entire Holodeck syndrome is extremely stupid, and only reveals that Star Trek fans like to be tricked by their superiors. They prefer to be lied to about everything they see and pretend that their way of life is the best possible choice. In short, they are ripe for any charismatic leader to take control of and conquer the earth with his army of socialistic pinko commie zombie minions.

That brings us to the other side of the coin...

Star Wars

Everybody knows what Star Wars is, because it is so radically awesome that it has been able to penetrate the mind of even the most stupidly devout follower of the Way of Kirk. Unlike commie heaven Star Trek, where money has been abolished and all food comes from magic coffee maker machines, Star Wars is about revolution, rebellion, and saying "Fuck off!" to the Man. In short, Star Wars is the Rage Against the Machine of Space Operas.

The galaxy is controlled by an Evil Overlord who controls an Evil Empire, and Luke Skywalker, who is the Zach De La Rocha of the Force, takes a goddamn LASER SWORD and decides to take on the Empire. Who decides to help him? Harrison fucking Ford, that's who. Also: Gold Bikini.

The Star Wars galaxy has almost no humans with just bumpy foreheads, but instead has an entire menagerie of crazy alien species, like the Hammerhead guy from the Mos Eisley cantina and the crazy long-snout lip singer of Jabba's band. Now that's an open-minded galaxy that doesn't possess the ethnocentricity of the Star Trek Federation. The military leader of the Rebellion: A hyper-intelligent squid guy. If you were to put a squid guy anywhere near the Enterprise Kirk would be two-fist punching him before you could say "Prime Directive." Star Wars is all about freedom of the individual.

Now, some would soil the blessedness of the Holy Trilogy by bringing up the "Prequels" and immediately point to Mannequin Skywalker. As if that were enough to drive someone away from the Galactic Battle for Freedom and into the arms of the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea... er, I mean "Galactic Federation." While the "Chosen One" of the Star Wars universe was not much more than a complaining whine-o-bot, at least he did flips around SUPER BATTLE DROIDS and chopped up Dark Jedi with a LIGHTSABER. When was the last time Captain Kirk, Picard or DS9 reject Sisko did a flip? I think it was back in nineteen-ninety-um-never. But they sure look good in their matching militaristic uniforms!

In conclusion, Star Wars fans are wicked awesome freedom fighters and love to kick the Man's ass, with or without the taking of the names.

Here I have presented the two primary choices of genre for Space Opera fans, and presented the resulting quality of citizen you can expect to enjoy each choice. I hope you take away from this lesson a better understanding of the nuances of each type of fanboy. So take this nonbiased review, and carefully consider your choice as to what Science Fiction Epic Universe you want to represent you.*

Oh, and to Lower Decks,, and the Brandodojo: Consider the Gauntlet thrown, communists.

*Paid for by the Friends of Luke Skywalker and Campaigners for a New Republic.