Monday, August 13, 2007

End of the World as we Know it?

So the news has been totally off-the-wall lately, and not making a bit of sense.

Barrels of oil are at record highs (down a little today, but $84 just yesterday), and swing oil producer Saudi Arabia released its annual report which shows that it produced 8% less oil in 2006 than in 2005 (where it produced 6% less than its "peak" production in 2004), suggesting a permanent decline of oil production from here until the end of time (which should raise prices dramatically), while gas prices have fallen (its was $2.87 yesterday here in Oregon, which is a mega-drop from the $3.25 its been the rest of the year).

Also, the subprime housing market, which was a "bubble" I guess, has finally collapsed and all sorts of important-sounding businesses are going belly-up. Jim "scream at you about stocks or something" Cramer on TV has been seen crying on air for the Federal Reserve to pump more money into the market, hyper-raise in the inflation rate, and bail out the banks and stuff. (As an aside, its always interesting that these financial dudes like Citibank and MBNA are all "Capitalism is the only way to go and I earned my $1,000,000 by myself today!" when things are going well, but when things are starting to suck they're all "The public should bear the burden! We love socialism!"). On top of all of this, I understand that in some homes, dogs and cats are living together.

Mass Hysteria.

But that's not even the most bizarre thing that's happened this week. The man who could not be touched, and he who should not be named, actually resigned from his post today: Karl Rove.

A significant number of folks have been trying to get Karl Rove to be fired, resigned, or jailed for about 7 years now, and he's weathered a number of investigations, including the one where Sam Fisher was "outed" from the CIA (Splinter Cell division), and the Gonzoles attorney thing that I don't really understand. In all cases, he would give a big middle finger to investigators, democrats, liberals, news reporters and, from the reports I'm seeing, tiny helpless kittens on tree branches that are pleading with you to "Hang in there."

So now he retires out of the freaking blue. In his speech, the explanation he gave was "to be closer to my family." Which all of us in professional political news reporting know is total bunk most of the time. But there's no other explanation. Why would Karl "Bring It On" Rove actually step down?

Then it occurred to me, the only explanation that makes sense...
The Stars Must Be Right!

Rove must be a decedent of the original Mythos-tainted people of Innsmouth, and he finally can't hold off the call any longer. He must join Father Dagon in the city under the sea so they can prepare the Deep One invasion. Think about it...

Just look at him. Here's a pic of Rove next to a recorded case of "the Innsmouth Look:"

Can you even tell which one is Rove? (psst, he's the one covering his gills with a collar and tie). I don't think there can be any doubt. Rove is a Deep One, and has returned to Father Dagon and Mother Hydra in the Fish-man city on the sea-bed of the Atlantic Ocean. The market must be coming to a crash, which will cause hyperinflation because the fed will bail out subprime loaners, then the oil energy crisis will hit, lowering our ability to defend ourselves from aquatic/mythos beasts, and then the Deep Ones will invade our coastal towns for their occult sacrifices!

Its all so clear now. Its only a matter of time ...

I welcome you to comment about any other explanations for these events, even though I have clearly presented the most plausible one.